I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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