He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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