i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
