i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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