To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
