i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
