i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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