I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
