i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
