half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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