My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
