And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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