i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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