I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
