i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
