Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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