look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
