hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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