I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
