I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
