I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
