I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
