Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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