I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
