he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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