My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
