in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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