I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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