Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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