I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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