I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
