i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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