Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
