Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
