he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
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It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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