you traded sex for a burrito?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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