I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
