we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
