my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
