According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
