She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
