I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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