If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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