as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
