i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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