i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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