my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
