You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
