a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
