So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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