Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
