Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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