You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
