Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
