Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
