Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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