turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
